Barbie and Ken skits
Ken and Barbie’s Woke Dilemma
Ken and Barbie wanted to protest
The US fascist government
But in preparing for a rally
They both got hesitant
“Excuse me, Barbie” said Ken
In his masculine voice
“Your Givenchy jacket is elitist
Can you make a better choice?”
“Yes, you’re right,” said Barbie
In her feminine twang
“I’ll leave it here, I’ll just be cold
I don’t own a proletariat brand.”
Barbie now said:
“Ken, your coat Is from a sweatshop in Pakistan
You can’t wear it at this rally
Put it in a garbage can”
“You’re correct” said Ken, “I will take it off right now
But don’t you think your leather boots suggest
You massacred a cow?”
“You’re quite right,” said Barbie
I’ll pull them off, I will not tarry
But — Ken - your camo shorts -
are very military
“You’re correct,” said Ken, removing them
He stood in underpants and shirt
“But Barbie,” he suggested, “It’s violent and speciest
For you to wear that Leopard shirt and Zebra skirt”
Barbie disrobed and said “Dear Ken,
You hypocrisy has a foul smell
That shirt you’re wearing is Zionist
The brand supports Israel”
They stood there, their skins near clear
Just two panties, one brassiere
Ken said, “it is my again turn to be firm -
Our undies were created by enslaved silk worms”
Off these clothes came,
Ken and Barbie do not want to be rude
So now they are … completely nude
“We’re ready now,” said Barbie, “to go and virtue signal”
“I’m not so sure” said Ken, “we both shaved our public hair -
that will trigger someone, sometime, somewhere”
“No No No” said Barbie, “We’re as morally decent as can be.
We must march, wave signs and do the chants
Even though, we wear no underpants.”
Off they went, brave citizens, Ken and Barbie’s rumps
Went to cheer democracy
And boo the evil Trump.
The moral of this educational poem is - don’t worry
About your clothes or hair
Don’t delay for silly reasons
Just get your butt out there
“We Don’t Want To Be Plastic” - Barbie and Ken’s Existential Struggle
Barbie’s lines are Bold / Ken’s are Normal
Barbie Barbie Kenny Kenny
Will you talk to me? What you mean, is really “will you listen to me?” Are you complaining about my “man-splaining?”
Kenny - I am having a bad day If you were normal, it would just be hormonal
Kenny - I don’t want to be artificial anymore I agree, it’s a boring chore I am sick of being just a doll that little girls steal at the mall I am weary of being a toy constantly tortured by boys
I went to a doctor, Kenny, he said I don’t have a brain Oh no - You’re having an existential crises again! I have world fame, but… You don’t have a brain ! Boo Hoo Hoo
Don’t be sarcastic! I’m sympathetic - you don’t want to be plastic What can I do - I’m a blonde bombshell But you’re owned by Mattel
I got an operation to cure my agitation What was it? Did you get udders like a cow? That would make me sad and mad
I got a brain today, white and gray the doctor squirted it into my empty skull until it was full But I haven’t healed - it hasn’t congealed
Is your head full, to the brim? Are you no longer dull and dim?
Kenny, I am dreaming and I’m scheming I’m more than plastic now My thinking is elastic I am capable of drastic Independent action
Wow! Barbie I am envious! But I worry - This might be the end of us! If you get an actual mind You will leave your silly Ken behind! and so, I have an evil plan! I’m putting pepper in my hand I’ll throw it in your face You’ll sneeze out your brains all over the place
No No Yes Yes
The Patriarchy is oppressing me!
Sneeze, sneeze, Barbie, please sneeze
Aaah-choo! Aahh-Choo
(Barbie sneezes brain material out of either her nose or the top of her head)
I want this gooey brain so I’ll sniff it deep inside me I will inhale neurons that were given to my Barbie Eve stoled a rib from Adam - So I’m just getting even…
(Ken keeps sniffing)
Kenny, I’m still thinking, I’ve still got half a brain! Barbie I’ve got the other half now - let’s be pals again!? Yes, Yes, Yes, let’s think together, we’re not plastic anymore Let’s put two and two together Because we know the answer’s four!
We are happy we are happy We are happy just like you You people in the audience Have brains like us, it’s true
Let us think together! Let’s make a mind-hive Let’s dream of ways to feel Authentic and alive! Let’s dream of ways to feel Authentic and alive!
Barbie’s Escape
Barbie: Kenny, dearest, I have a question, please? Ken: Lemme have it, Barbs, what’s on your little mind? Barbie: Ken, are we better than other people? Are we exceptional? Ken: Of course, Barbie. We’re superior. We’re celebrities! Famous! We might be the Best! Barbie: Is it good to believe that? To see ourselves as special? Ken: What’s wrong with you, Barbie? Are you eating too much? Barbie: I just don’t know, really, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Ken: I’m hearing you say ‘I don’t know.” Am I paraphrasing correctly? Barbie: Yes, Ken, you’re sensitive. Ken: OK Barbie: I just think sometimes, I want to be, I want to be… egalitarian. Ken: Whoa! That’s a big word for a tiny waist and skinny neck. Barbie: What if everyone was the same, I’m imagining, what if everyone was the same. Ken: But they’re not, Blondie. People like us are chosen, we’re destined to be sexy and cool. We’re icons, epic, gods and goddesses. Barbie: But Ken, I’n not comfortable with hierarchical thinking anymore. Ken: What the Frick have you been watching? Did you fall into some Commie YouTube rabbit hole? Barbie: I’m reading, Ken. Books. Ken: Books? WHY? Barbie: I’m going to drop out, Ken. I’m going to get fat, wear ugly clothes and live in a slum. Ken: Barbie, you can’t do that!!!! Barbie: Why not? And, there’s, something, else… Ken: What? What? Barbie: I Want to Help Other People. Ken: Barbie! You’re ridiculous! You already do that! Every girl wants to be you. You’re the model of perfection. Barbie: That’s the problem. If someone wants to be someone else, they can’t find out who they really are. Ken: What the fudge? What the fidge! What the freak? Barbie: I’ve been reading Existentialism. Simone de Beauvoir. And Simone Weil. Ken: Oh no! Not the Simones! Don’t go there! Barbie: I’m going to cut my hair, get tattoos, and sleep with women of color. Ken: We’re married! Barbie: I no longer recognize that institution. Ken: I will ask the President and the Pope to talk to you. Barbie: I do not acknowledge the nation-state and I abhor all religion. Ken: The Simones have brainwashed you! What did those French be-atches say? Barbie: Simone B. said, “a meaningful life requires risk. Change your life today.” Simone W. said, “Freedom comes from letting go of self-importance.” Ken: I’m going to kill myself. You’re so selfish. Look what you’ve done to me. I’m banging my head. (bangs head on the floor) Barbie: You just need a blowjob but it won’t be from me. Ken: I’m going to hari-kari myself. I mean it. Barbie: You can use my silver envelope-opener. I don’t need it anymore. I despise my fan mail I renounce my fan base. Ken: Thanks. Goodbye. (Ken commits bloody hari-kari) Barbie: I’m free at last. (to audience) I’m abdicating the Barbie throne, I’m exiling myself from the Kingdom of Mattel. And my parting words are FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!